CW: Suicidal ideation
Imagine if this was your story:
You were a first round draft pick in the NFL back in 2014.
You had been working for it your whole life.
Yet, you suffered a panic attack at 8 years old.
The effects continued to linger with you.
They crept back in on you again.
You were so close to giving up.
In fact, one day before an NFL practice you intended to drive off of a hill. You couldn't live anymore.
You were saved.
Now, you find your purpose in saving others.
This is the story of Marcus Smith, who played 6 years as a defensive end in the NFL.
Marcus Smith Loved Football… with a caveat
From an early age football was everything for Marcus Smith. At 5-years-old he fell in love with the game, watching it regularly on the weekends with his dad. At 8-years-old though, he suffered his first panic attack. No one around him knew what was going on and as he grew older and developed more and more as a football player, so did his anxiety and depression.
Related: Battling Performance Anxiety as a College Athlete
Fast forward a few years: with the 26th overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, The Philadelphia Eagles select…. Marcus Smith
This was supposed to be the best day of his life, everything he had ever worked for.
Key words: supposed to be. “There were expectations from being a first-round draft pick, there were expectations from the fans, from the coaches, and from everybody in the actual organization,” said Smith about his first years in the NFL. “It was a culture shock for me because I've never been a part of something so much greater than myself.”
That anxiety and depression that had plagued him since he was a kid had stayed with him and grown.
Philadelphia, 2017
Smith's mental health continued to spiral and after just three seasons, he found himself released by the Eagles on July 26th. However, that didn't help–the Seattle Seahawks signed him just two days later and things got worse, quickly.
Related: Forget the Wealth and Accolades: Simone Biles Mental Health Profile
After joining the Seahawks, Smith hit rock bottom. “I would stay up all night with pain in my chest, my heart racing and I wouldn't get any sleep so of course, I couldn't perform,” recalls Smith, “so one day – I got up and I was just tired.”
That one day, Smith woke up with suicidal ideations. He did not care to be alive anymore. “I'm like, you know what— If I die, I die and if I don't, then at least I'll be too hurt to play”
Before practice one day, Smith intended to veer off the road onto a hill with rocks. Fortunately, he was stopped.
First, it was a call from his wife. Then, one from his mother in law.
“At that moment, I realized that I've got to get some help,” said Smith. “It was divine intervention for me to be doing what I'm doing now trying to save lives and putting more of an emphasis on mental health.”
Smith's advocacy and commitment
In January 2021, Marcus Smith started his own motivational company and podcast, dedicated to mental health in athletics. His non-profit organization, The Circle Of M, aims at being vulnerable, talking, and breaking the stigma of mental health.
Smith uses his own story as inspiration for other athletes who are also struggling. “We have to confront what we're feeling,” Smith said. We have to talk. We have to be vulnerable.”
Through pain, Marcus Smith found his calling.
Marcus Smith is more than a football player.
Smith is a player who has devoted himself to helping others struggle with what he battled from his youth.
Mental health comes first.
Marcus Smith will be the first to tell you that.
Don't struggle alone. Be vulnerable, open, and share your story.
You matter.
Have an idea for a story or a question you need answered? Want to set up an interview with us? Email us at [email protected].
Image Credit: The Players' Tribune
* Originally published on May 29, 2023, by Nicholas Nathanson
